Let me share to you my three stages of anger: annoyance, hatred, and loathe.
First, I get annoyed. Well, this usually don't last long. I get irritated by things and I get to recover all about it in just minutes/hours/day. It's bothersome though, but it's not a big deal. It doesn't really affect my life.
But when something consistently annoys me, I develop hatred to that person. In a form if they tease or bully me. I get hurt by their words and it bothers me for weeks or months. But the thing about hatred is that I tend to forgive or just shake it off and continue to being friends with them soon. Sometimes, I cry due to hatred. And mostly, I just naturally hate a person from what they did to me.
Third, this is the dangerous part. And honestly, I hate how I'm this kind of person. I am forgiving even if how many times you made me cry but.... There's always a BUT right? The moment I reach my boiling point, I explode. It's mostly cumulative from what you have done to me. They say, forgive to have your mind at peace, but unfortunately, I am the type of person WHO HOLDS GRUDGES. I still can't believe this is who I am. Everyone knows me as a bubbly, carefree person. But sadly, I have this side of me. I surprise myself sometimes. Lol.
When I develop loathe for a person, you're as good as dead to me. It's not my intention to feel this way. But when I reach my max, I say, "This is enough. I don't deserve this. I need to respect myself to get away from this situation-- not hold unto it." When I loathe, I will not care of your existence anymore. You no longer affect me. I will not think of even trying to being friends because there's nothing to hold unto. I don't give a fuck anymore. It's different from HATRED because I kinda still care for a person and wanna be friends with them again.
To loathe means to feel indifferent. If you're there infront of me, I don't feel anything because you're just a stranger to me. You get my point? Well, that's my definition of it, though. At first I would feel that it's a loss. But then as it turns into loathing, I will not care anymore on what you do, feel, anything about everything. Cut-off connections. Zero. Gone.
In my 20 yrs of existence, there are around 2-3 people I loathe. Can't believe the first one was in my highschool who was my first prom partner. Lol! I'll never forget how he mistreated me. In addition and in contradiction to hatred, when I loathe, I'll forever hate you and never forget how you treated me. Well, at least, a part of me has a forever, right? Haha.
Just some random thoughts to ponder this morning. Good day! Have a wonderful life. Stay loved! Haha.
Labels: rant, serious, tsk