by - 8:51 PM

Still thinking if it's worth the fight. If it's worth the pain. I'm on the verge of giving up. Because everything became so pointless. I always do the initiative.  You always make me feel like it's my fault. Where are those time where you said you'd put more effort? Words become so meaningless. Actions are now everything. There are so many chances that you only watched and just slipped by. Presence becomes nothing for I need to feel you still care. You said you love me but why can't I feel it. 

You know I'd give you all of me. So why can't you give me and show me how much you care. Even those simple gestures like initiating those holding hands or just even an akbay you can't do. Now I'm doubting if you're still into this. Because you make me feel like I'm just another friend you know. I never felt special. But isn't this what I should feel every single day? :(  I thought we have a mutual understanding of this relationship. But it's still me who does the first moves or even deciding the simplest things. 

Is this alright? Do you even ask yourself? You said you'd change and be better. But all I feel is I'm the only one who wants this. Maybe were better off this way. Or maybe not. But it's not my decision now. It will all be yours. I'm sick and tired of waiting. Waiting in vain for your love. Even if there's a million reasons why I should give you up, but the heart wants what it wants. 

I don't want to cry everynight. My eyes are already tired. Because it pains me that you know your shortcomings but you still repeat it anyway. You say that is who you are. But we've been through this before. Then why can't you fulfill your shortcomings? It feels like I'm falling from cloud nine. I don't want to feel any regrets. Everything just feel the same. Nothing changed anyway. I'm just so exhausted right now-- physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

I'm sorry for being demanding. I still need to think.


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