Tuesday, January 20 @ 11:53 PM 
If you could only see this tears that falls every night then maybe, just maybe... You would understand and finally feel. For you to see what I've been going through. To see what it feels like in this state. But I won't let you. Because this is the part of me that you can't take away. The only part of me, despite of the vulnerability, is the source of my strength. The strength to not let you see my weakness. 

But it's just sad because you will not care. Because it is far from what you say, what you do and what you make me feel. Sad reality, indeed.


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Friday, January 9 @ 8:51 PM 
Still thinking if it's worth the fight. If it's worth the pain. I'm on the verge of giving up. Because everything became so pointless. I always do the initiative.  You always make me feel like it's my fault. Where are those time where you said you'd put more effort? Words become so meaningless. Actions are now everything. There are so many chances that you only watched and just slipped by. Presence becomes nothing for I need to feel you still care. You said you love me but why can't I feel it. 

You know I'd give you all of me. So why can't you give me and show me how much you care. Even those simple gestures like initiating those holding hands or just even an akbay you can't do. Now I'm doubting if you're still into this. Because you make me feel like I'm just another friend you know. I never felt special. But isn't this what I should feel every single day? :(  I thought we have a mutual understanding of this relationship. But it's still me who does the first moves or even deciding the simplest things. 

Is this alright? Do you even ask yourself? You said you'd change and be better. But all I feel is I'm the only one who wants this. Maybe were better off this way. Or maybe not. But it's not my decision now. It will all be yours. I'm sick and tired of waiting. Waiting in vain for your love. Even if there's a million reasons why I should give you up, but the heart wants what it wants. 

I don't want to cry everynight. My eyes are already tired. Because it pains me that you know your shortcomings but you still repeat it anyway. You say that is who you are. But we've been through this before. Then why can't you fulfill your shortcomings? It feels like I'm falling from cloud nine. I don't want to feel any regrets. Everything just feel the same. Nothing changed anyway. I'm just so exhausted right now-- physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

I'm sorry for being demanding. I still need to think.


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Sunday, January 4 @ 10:28 PM 
Sorry this is not really about the movie. More on like a rant.

I'm sorry. But there are things that I can never accept. There are things I will never forget. There are things that is sooooo traumatizing that I hate to think and maybe I will be a FOOL again because of it. And sorry if this issue always keeps on repeating.

But the thing is, it is known that I will always be triggered when this shitty issues happens. That is why don't give me any reasons for this to trigger! I can only serve this blog as an outlet because I don't want to ruin the mood so better keep things silent. 

All I ever asked is ASSURANCE whenever I get so dramatic when it should not be the reason for me to feel this way! But why is it so difficult to even recieve this! I may have a lot of expectations but this thing I ask should not be an issue at all! This is already known. It was agreed. I don't ask for more.

Hay. Do you know how bullshit is this? This bullshit that keeps on repeating every time. Sumo na kung sumo. But there are some things that should set some boundaries. Yes. Boundaries is all I ask. Whenever it's SUPPOSED TO BE OUR TIME spent together, why are you even minding other people. That is why NOTHING happens. O cge pa, padayun pa. I then pretend to be busy. It feels that I'm not even enough. We don't even have any legit conversations. Some heart to heart talk is all I ask knowing that it's so hard to give ourselves some time given my strict parents, other friends, and SCHOOL. LIKE WOW I'm disappointed.

Yes, I realized I am fcking disappointed. Because this thing is so empty. We can't even make some legit plans. Everything involved just make us so busy that we couldn't even have our sincere time together. It's always what I want want want to do that gets followed. Because you're giving me no reason nor anything to talk about! Yep, just so disappointed. And now we can't have those again because you know what? WE'RE GOING TO BE SO BUSY AND GET OUR FCKIN ASS OFF AND GO STUDYING STUDYING STUDYING. 



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Friday, January 2 @ 12:31 AM 
I just realized my enthusiasm to write in the blog has faded away. Haha. I think this is because of my busy schedule in school knowing that I'm in my fourth year in college (and hopefully my last one because I'm gonna graduate this March 2015 *crossfingers* *puhon*).

Well unlike before, I'm not gonna put into details EVERY month what happened in my year in 2014.

To sum it up, the significant events in my life;
- Survived my third year without any retakes
- Became an officer in Xavier University - Junior Philippine Institute of Accountants
- Went to Dakak
- Survived my first semester in my fourth year
- Still surviving my second semester in my last year in Accountancy haha

I can't remember really what happened. I just want to forget 2014. That year was the most dramatic phase of my life that I don't want to go back. It taught me a great big lesson and gave me a glimpse to what real life is all about. I've been happy, sad, betrayed, fooled, stressed, hated, loved, laughed, cried, may have lost trust, but life taught me how to forgive. And I think this is the essence of that year. Forgiveness. You learn how to accept people back because life would be incomplete without them. To let go of the pain so that you feel free and be at peace.

I also learned and finally understood what they say to trust God's timing. I swear, it's the most beautiful gift ever when you trust God's plan for you. There maybe a very great obstacle you have to face but by the end of it you'll realize it's a blessing in disguise. It maybe a nightmare but soon you'll understand its purpose.

I am truly blessed. I could never thank God enough. And also my family who helped me get through those obstacles. And then you have your friends also to support you. For now, I can't guarantee that I could let go but I'm trying my best. I just need to distract myself and avoid those silent moments where you remember it again. That's why I need to fall asleep straightly after laying down in bed. (HAHA!)

2015 is a very promising and a hopeful year for me and my batch mates. Please pray for me that I will graduate on time this March 2015 and pass the CPA October 2015 licensure exam on time! Kudos!

♥ Cathypurry

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